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Video games for unattractive people

The world ends with me cause I am a fag and got AIDS and died.

I only played this game because I could not get my grandma to give me a ride to the local truck stop so I could blow truckers for $5 a pop to buy crystal meth and dildos.

If ever there was a game that makes me question my minuscule value to the human race, and my complete and utter lack of any skill at playing video games even after decades of practice, that game is N+.

And yes, I just suck. I know you beat episode 14 on your first try while it took me something like 250, I know, I just suck.

4/10

I don’t know how to comment on a game that is so ridiculous it openly mocks itself continuously. To comment at all would give in to the ridiculous nature of No More Heroes.

That said I want a Holly Summers Wii collection of grenade throwing mini-games. Or a 12″ doll complete with grenade in mouth, head popping off action. Grasshopper Manufacture, I’m waiting.

7/10

A girl buys a video game sold on the premise of numerous puzzles of varying difficulty. Upon playing this game she realizes that most of the puzzles involve little actual logic but instead are just cleverly worded questions from which one must determine the answer without actual mathematical calculation or critical thinking. How does she rate this game?

This puzzle is worth 10 / 10 Picarats.

Do you see this? This is why we can’t have nice things.

9/10

This is clearly the best game available today. If you doubt it’s credentials as a game, I give you this clearly defined bulleted list:

- Dynamic leveling system that progresses without user input (think EVE Online)
- Solo and clan play with ranked leaderboards
- Electrical cost of running PS3 constantly averages out between $5 to $10 a month, typical MMORPG price range
- Nearly unlimited missions to try, never repeat the same level twice!
- Support for in-game custom soundtracks

4/10

This game reminds me of my sex life: too much anticipation, too much work for too little reward, and sorely lacking in Stephen Colbert.

5/10

Curse him! Curse the Christian king and his army of infidels! They go against the will of God and must be made to pay. Everywhere they ride they leave only suffering in their wake. They say it is a crusade! A crusade for what? Ignorance? Violence? Madness! We must resist! We must fight them in any way we can.

The fires of war consume the land and thousands of lives are lost in its defense. This is a tragedy but I say this is an honor, to die in service to God, fighting for what we believe in. There is no greater honor than this.

South comes the English king and his infidel army. They leave horrors in their wake. Salah al-Din rides to meet him, that these further attacks might be prevented. Pray that God, glorious and exalted as he, find favor with us that He may grant us victory.

Praise be Salah al-Din. He has found the strength to stand in defense of our great civilization. Make no mistake it is our very existence we are fighting for. The infidel king would see us all wiped form the world. We must resist, we must push back!

I stand before you to deliver a warning. Should Richard take Jaffa there will be no stopping him. He will march on Jerusalem next. We must end this before it has a chance to begin. That city is ours, has always been ours, and it is our duty to defend it until death. The crusaders must be destroyed.

Be weary friends, the Shaytan is everywhere. Watching, waiting, he tempts us always. Be strong, strong like Salah al-Din and take up arms against our enemies in whatever way you can.

10/10

In the Dynasty Warriors games and, for all I know every game ever made by Koei, all you have to do is push the attack button over and over. In Bladestorm: The Hundred Years’ War you don’t even have to do this, you just hold the attack button down. And somehow, this makes the game more interesting and fun.

My mind is blown.

7/10